Non-Toxic Masculinity – Creating a New Paradigm

What does “non-toxic masculinity” even mean? At the end of our retreats, we often practice the art of receiving compliments. This is easy for some and hard for others. I’m on the side of it being hard. I think I tried at a youger point in life to not be better than others. I think it was important for me to fit in, not make waves, not be weird. 

I’m a wave maker now but I think there’s still some trauma there that makes receiving compliments uncomfortable. There are however, many compliments that I am very proud of. Especially those that say my presence makes people feel safe, secure, nurtured. 

There is a concept from Burning Man, one of their 10 principal code of ethics that I use all the time. It’s Radical Inclusion. Everyone is welcome. It doesn’t matter if you are white, black, tall, short, fat, skinny, smelly, loud, happy, sad, gay, straight, man, woman or somewhere in between. I don’t think the world is black and white, but in all of these attributes we are gray. It’s the differences in us that make us special, beautiful, interesting, and important to our community.

As a straight, white, male, I receive the least amount of discrimination of any other group of individuals. I can walk through life easily and without fear. I don’t think I understood my true privilege until very recently. 

I believe that one of my purposes in life is to help change the narrative. White men can be some of the greatest allies to those in need. That is, if we use our powerful social position for good. Looking back through history it seems that many of my kind were not able to accomplish that. Our power move is normally to rape, oppress, pillage, murder, and push down marginalized groups. All while keeping the plunder for ourselves and other white men.

I love being surrounded by diverse peoples, and I love even more attempting to offer those people a safe place to be themselves, whatever that may be. I want you to feel safe to let down your defenses, allow goodness to enter, begin to heal. People can’t heal when they are living in fear. I want you to heal.

The problem is that I am part of the group of people who has probably caused the most suffering in recent history. White men, and men in general, cause many to put their shields up. I don’t blame those that do this, and I’m not telling you to stop. I’m telling you those feelings are justified. There very many evil men in this world. I don’t think they are born that way; it’s just the product of the patriarchy that we reside in.

So I practice Radical Inclusion. This doesn’t just mean including people, but creating an environment where they FEEL included, supported, and wanted in the community. I try to speak in a way that shows I care. That could be sharing my pronouns. I don’t do this because I think you will use them wrong for me, but so others feel like they can share their own which might not be so obvious. I try to ask questions when I don’t understand something. I used to think that it was bad if I wasn’t up on the current lingo or whatever. Now I realize it’s ever-changing and evolving and asking questions of those who live in that world is the only way to understand.

I also try to show safety in my presence. I wear colorful clothing, paint my toenails, usually have long hair. I can’t count the number times a waitress has come from behind my wife and I with a “hey ladies…omg I’m so sorry”. Or when I’m in tights at a party and I’m hit on by a man. These to be taken as compliments. It means I’m doing something right.

So when we are doing the compliment circle on our retreats, these are the comments I’m hoping for. I already know I’m talented, a good cook, friendly, a knowledgeable guide… what I’m working on is being a strong ally. I believe I can do this and also be a masculine, white, straight, man.

On our Mexico retreat someone said that I was a great representation of “Non-toxic Masculinity”. This was an amazing compliment as it summed up exactly what I am trying to embody. I still hope to put that on some shirts and stickers sometime soon. We need masculinity in this world, but the toxicity needs to end. 

Just because we are trying to be better men doesn’t mean that non-toxic masculinity is passive. The opposite! We men must stand up with what men should be. This means noticing when the actions of others make people feel unsafe, insecure, judged, or fearful. When guys tell a girl to, “smile it would make you more pretty…” I do feel the desire to punch them in the mouth. Is that toxic? I haven’t yet decided.

I think this toxic masculinity in the world is cultivated from male insecurities. Because of not feeling comfortable in our own unique selves, we pushed others down, we conquered and oppressed. We called people gay, made women feel small, turned the world against those who needed the most support. We were hurting ourselves as well; we just were too insecure to even feel our own pain.

Jesus said “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” The Mayans had the saying, “In Lak’ech Ala K’in,” which means, “I am another yourself”. If we hurt others we are only hurting ourselves. There is no difference between you and I; that is the real illusion in this world. 

So I’ll keep practicing non-toxic masculinity. Hopefully I can bring some other dudes along with me. Please keep letting us know what we can do better; how we can support those that need our help. We have a long way to go, but I hope that some of us are at least walking in the right direction.

By Zach (@zacharyminnich)

If you would like to learn more about non-toxic masculinity, our retreats are a great way to heal from a harsh and toxic world.

“Speak the truth. Love everyone.” 

-Baba Ram Dass