Forever Tries

Some thoughts inspired by Facebook memories (Omg, why are they forever reminding me of things I’m not necessarily proud of?) and all the different selves I have been:

Why would I post this photo? I know why; because I thought it was really cool to slam beers and then go cliff jumping.

A recent photo I took of myself, being a weirdo, before teaching a yoga class

Isn’t it remarkable how we have a never-ending capability to change? As Holly Glenn Whitaker puts it, “We get forever tries.” Now I am this person but I used to be that person. Who knows who I will be tomorrow?⁠⠀ I used to slam beers before jumping off cliffs and now I just slam oxygen before climbing up rocks. I’m usually terrified and I deal with it. I breathe a lot and teach a lot of yoga. 🤸🏻‍♀️🕉⁠⠀ I used to be a Christian and think I had to convert all my friends. I had to unlearn all that. Now I’m learning to just let Christians do their thing and not be as bothered by it.⁠⠀ I used to study Film Production in New York and spend all my free time watching movies. 🎬Now I’m really out of touch with Hollywood. I still love movies; I just love nature more. 🌴⛺️⁠⠀ I used to be a Peace Corps Volunteer in Tanzania and I thought I would love it and want to stay forever but I didn’t. The cultural isolation was too much for me as an introvert who didn’t have any good coping mechanisms at the time. 🌍⁠⠀ I used to be a bartender in San Diego and think I was hot shit. I made tons of money and spent all my free time spending money at bars and complaining about work. 🍸⁠⠀ I used to be a “digital nomad” wandering through Asia trying to make life on the road happen because my ego told me that’s what I wanted and who I was. I was stressed and confused and super Pitta-imbalanced. Running out of money and coming home gave me no choice but to change. 🌏✈️⁠⠀ I used to think drinking was the best thing in life but then I got sober and realized that feeling my feelings unadulterated is the best thing in life. And also remembering that god exists. I wanted to buy a beachfront property in Sri Lanka and live in paradise, but then I bought a middle of nowhere property in Arizona and I’m making it my paradise. 🇱🇰⛰⁠⠀ Yes, I’m pretty good at change. I’ve changed my mind and changed my life and changed my location so many times that your head is probably spinning. But I don’t see all my tries at building a life I love as random anymore. Ayurveda teaches that when our soul enters this embodiment we enter a karmic agreement in which this temporary physicality carries the tools we need to have in order to fulfill our dharma and learn the lessons we need to learn. Out of all these changes and travels and jobs and upheavals the quietest but biggest lesson I’m finally learning is just to listen. I used to never listen to anything besides my own desires. I always thought I had it all figured out. Now I know I don’t know much but I am listening and learning to be still.